Trey's LiveJournal


(no subject)
The new job has been great / challenging all in one. There are a lot of changes going on internally with the staff and they all are on edge, almost throwing it in our faces. I am so happy I have my new co workers Leslie next to me walking along the way. Had I not had her I think I most likely would have gone mad. It most definitely was a step up in pay and I am so thankful my friend referred me. I don't know why old memories of past are coming up. The the past 2 years I've lost a lot. I lost my grandmother during Christmas. And I lost the love of my life, someone who I shouldn't even be investing my mental state on. I stumbled across old emails. I've saved every one of them. Reading them just showed me how much this person was struggling with themselves, almost pushing off to me. I thought that if I tried one more time, they would respond. I even kept this person in the loop about my grandmothers death. No response. It breaks my heart even talking about it. I thought somewhere in their heart it was stir up an I'm sorry or even just a friendly chat. It's now almost been 2 years officially broken up. Yet I'm still thinking about it, and reminders of this person are still everywhere in my house and in my life. The way I eat and do things. I honestly feel sometimes I will never find "the one." I've been on dates, many, and I just haven't found that instant connection. My life is so different now from 2 years ago. New job, new outlook on myself. I don't feel like that broken down timmid person. I know what I want. I know I shouldn't want my ex, but the good things in that relationship I want. The mind blowing sex, the calls and texts everyday. The love and commitment when I felt like they were emotionally present. It's been a long struggle. I don't want to be alone anymore. I almost reached out yet again to this person and I'm thinking to myself why? They didn't even say I'm sorry for you loss, for the death of my grandmother. I'm at a lost of words. I'm in a good place, yet I'm not. There's always something more I want.

I find myself in ironic stories...the people I meet in life. It's like a Hollywood movie I feel like sometimes. Like it's not real and it's a dream. I've experienced so many friends. One in particular James Davi Tramondo, the star of "Whose Wedding is it Away" I met about 7 years ago as a fan, just happened to email him. We began a "pen pal" like friendship and met once or twice when I would visit NYC. His personality was infectious, his attention to detail even with friends was amazing. I had happen to think about him today out of the blue, and decided to text him. Not even 2 minutes later the phone rings, and it's his number, but it was his mother on the line. I didn't know who it was because in my text I just said hey not sure if this is the same number for you James just wanted to say hi! His mom with heavy heart told me he had passed about 2 days ago from cancer. I was so devistated. He was such a catch, handsome and such a light to anyone he talked to. It broke my heart. We talked for about 10 minutes. I told her to call me any time and told her I would stop in NYC to visit at some point and make a special trip to see her. It's just so sad. I didn't know what to say. The past 2 years have been so life changing with my own loss, my grandmas death in Dec. hearing about James made me cry today for him and my grandma. It was also my moms birthday. I almost asked where was grandma when I sat down at the table for her Birthday dinner. Ugh, so much emotion today. She was my life. As for James, we kinda had a very brief fling. He was so handsome. James you will be missed! And I will visit your mother at some point in time this year I hope! You have my word! God Bless you! On a more cynical and more conceded note, I am so happy I can wear suits and "real" clothing to my job now. I was checked out multiple times! Bahah that never happens, though it's been happening more...maybe I should do more juicing detoxes! (Is that a word?!) grandma I miss you so much! Love you forever!!!!

Inauguration Day
Luckily I'm not watching all the drama on TV, however, reading all your comments makes me feel so much better that people are actually seeing what is going on in our country. We need to stop rewarding bad behavior, ie protestors who are destroying the country they claim to care about so much, I might add many of them probably didn't even vote. I hope as a country, and for the love of country, people on both sides will move forward, and stop playing the blame game. The beauty about America is this day, when peaceful transfer of power can happen. That's why we are America, where Free and fair elections can happen regardless of what you say or believe, it's a fact.

What I wish I could say.
What I wish I could say to my Uncle.

I always wanted to write to you, even before Grandma died. I tried to get you to realize what you were doing to you own mother. She never mentioned your name or cared to see how you were doing, but deep down I know she was hurt. You should have swallowed your pride, and told your wife you would make amends. I know how much Pam has played in our relationship with your family. Should you had shown up to the funeral, we would have welcomed you and given you a hug. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about your absence because I know my grandmother deserved better. She deserved so much more than what you did to her. Now I know officially you are dead to our family, including your wife and kids. We hope to never speak of you or your family ever again.

(no subject)
Had a long cry today in my kitchen. The past few weeks have been so hard. I miss you so much grandma. Love you.

Old poems on an iPhone.
"When you have nothing, take a look around...true friends on the ground. Build it & they will come, many at the top...but few you can trust."

Dreamed I was already at this resort.

Pale winds, fire without smoke,
Inside my mind I'm dreaming of you,

By the ocean shore, the waves over my body, I don't even have to get in, to feel the weight of the salt, surrounding me,

I have hope in pools, at resorts far away,
Floating weightlessly, drifting aimlessly in my mind for something I can almost taste.

Chicken wings and water to cool down,
Spicy face, sweat on brow.

I've been told..
I've been told I'm on an island. And that I've always lived that away. With no one around. With my own body and thoughts, my own courage and strength to continue on in life. My mother has always been one to remind me of what I already know. Sometimes I feel the island is the only thing that's keeping me from breaking inside. It's often been hard to express emotions and who I truly am to people in life for the simple fact of self abandonment. Maybe I push people away because I'm trying to hard to keep them close. I'm usually the one gifting and giving everything this life has to offer. This month has been filled with reflection, guilt, self exploration and saddness. The next few days are going to be the hardest times in my life. Watching someone so dear to me die has not been the experience I thought it would be. So quickly, so fast. I often see many of my interactions with people the same way. I often blame myself for the mistakes. It hurts. Sometimes I feel the wounds will ever heal. And that I'll end up like others. Routines, personal space, unenjoyment. Sometimes being on an island is comforting, and sometimes, when you need a shoulder to cry on, it's the most difficult thing to experience alone.

(no subject)
The more I look at social media, the more I feel the world has totally lost all compassion and empathy. I look at past relationships with friends and others, and I find that I also have lost a bit of empathy. I often think about past relationship mistakes with people, and I think that I need to focus more time on people and not myself so much. I think it's been a downfall of mine. It's been a difficult season. Grandma is in the hospital again, my uncle still in rehab. It's so different. Sometimes I feel like I'm lacking in all my Relationships. I have to dig down deep to find my inner strength. I know that if I don't have that strength, no one else will be able to help me. Already preparing my 2017 action plans. God is our only saving grace and hope, I need him more in my life. I also need more reminders on how blessed I am, because I am truly blessed with so much. I need to have a reminder. I use a "gratitude rock" each morning I hold it and thank God for one good thing. I'm over people who are over me, friends have not been good. I need to relay on myself more and inner peace from God. Lord send your angels of peace.

Long Goodbye
Grandma is ill, grandma is sick,
I don't remember grandma, ever like this.

A warrior, a fighter, a very close friend,
All the things I remember about grandma, she's my best friend.

I'm in pain, when I see your pain,
I'm in pain, when I hear what you're feeling, it's written on your face...

I pray to God your surgery is alright.
I pray we can share the holidays like always, like always, alright.


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